After numerous miscarriages,IVF cycles, and the emotional roller coaster that went along with it, Gabrielle Union, 48, made the decision to use a surrogate, as she explains in her new book, You Got Anything Stronger? In her book, Union details her surrogacy journey starting with her adenomyosis diagnosis all the way to how she’s been feeling since her daughter’s birth.
Inside Union’s surrogacy journey
In 2016, Union’s doctor delivered the upsetting news that her best chance for a healthy baby would be surrogacy due to adenomyosis, a condition that occurs when the tissue inside the uterine wall grows into the outer walls of the uterus. This causes the uterus to enlarge, which can lead to painful periods and abnormal uterine bleeding. “I had been through an adenomyosis diagnosis and more miscarriages than I could confidently count, and all I could do was nod. I was not ready to do that. I wanted the experience of being pregnant. To watch my body expand and shift to accommodate this miracle inside me,” Union said. After this news, Union decided to wait and did more rounds of IVF for a year. After several failed attempts, she came up with a plan to take Lupron to manage her adenomyosis. By taking this drug, she could manage her adenomyosis and would have a 30% chance of bringing her baby to term. However, the side effects can be dangerous, and Union would be putting her health and her body at risk. Ultimately, she decided against this after a conversation with her husband, basketball player Dwayne Wade. “It was something my husband said that changed my mind. I told him I wanted to try the drug. Dwayne was quiet, then said, ‘You’ve done enough.’ There was a desperation dripping off him that I couldn’t ignore. A desperation of wanting things to be right with us,” Union writes.
Healing past wounds
In 2013, before they were married, Wade had a baby with another woman, which was a traumatic experience for Union. “As much as we want this baby, I want you,” Wade said. “We’ve lost too much in our relationship for me to be okay with encouraging you to do one more thing to your body and your soul.” Looking back, Union realized she had invested so much time in fixing their relationship that she neglected her own self-care. And then she came to a very important decision. “Why was I so willing to risk myself for a chance? If there was another way for me to bring my baby into the world, and have my health, why was it so hard for me to make peace with that?”
Finding the right surrogate
After finding a surrogacy agency and going through the process, they were presented with a surrogate who met their criteria, and they immediately clicked. Union described her surrogate and her husband as “free spirits with an aura of goodness to them. You’re those people, I thought. You really want to help others.” They received a positive pregnancy test in March 2018. The couple already had names picked out, and fell in love with “Kaavia” for a girl. The baby came earlier than expected. Natalie went into labor for 38 hours, which was dangerous for Kaavia. The doctor did a fast, emergency C-section, bringing Kaavia James into the world. “My body seized in a full release of every emotion. Relief, anxiety, terror, joy, resentment, disbelief, gratitude . . . and also, disconnection. I had hoped that the second I saw her, there would be a moment of locking in. I looked over at Natalie and her husband. There was a stillness to them. I looked at Kaavia James on the table, and then back at them. It took all of us to create her, so I wanted to share this time with them,” Union said. Since Kaavia’s birth, Union has had several questions that have remained in her mind. “I will always wonder if Kaav would love me more if I had carried her. Would our bond be even tighter? When they say having a child is like having your heart outside your body, that’s all I know," Union writes. “We met as strangers, the sound of my voice and my heartbeat foreign to her. It’s a pain that has dimmed but remains present in my fears that I was not, and never will be, enough.” She adds, “If I am telling the fullness of our stories, of our three lives together, I must tell the truths I live with. And I have learned that you can be honest and loving at the same time.” Next, read what everyone gets wrong about gestational surrogacy. Sources
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: “ART and Gestational Carriers”Cleveland Clinic: “Adenomyosis”You Got Anything Stronger?
